Confession

This post has been a long time coming. Actually, I’m writing this now without planning to post it. So if you are reading it then like A) I’ve lost my mind. B) I’ve grown some ovaries. C) I’m intoxicated. Perhaps I’m just tired of pretending to be someone that I am not.

During the second half of high school and most of my undergraduate degree I was a faithfilled, dedicated Christian. I loved Jesus and truly wanted to serve him with my life. Some time in my fourth year I began to question this faith. I knew that I never truly felt ‘saved’ and my faith was an almost constant source of guilt and anxiety: I looked at the people I loved and ‘knew’ they would be going to hell; I felt like I always needed to have a hidden ‘conversion’ agenda in my friendships; I hated judging others based on their lifestyle choices. How condescending is the oh-so-common Christian phase “We accept ____ people but just not their lifestyle/sin/choices”. That doesn’t sound much like acceptance to me.

For a few years after that I wavered between trying to regain my faith and life according to the Bible and being a content Agnostic. Without religion though, I found that the guilt and anxiety that I had felt for so many years was gone. The relationships in my life improved because I was being honest with myself and others. With most others that is. Maybe you’re one person I wasn’t honest with. It is probably because you’re someone who matters very much to me but who happens to be a Christian and, because I lack courage, I worried about losing you in my life. I withdrew by avoiding Christian events and discussions outside of church. Anyone who asked about my faith was given an honest answer but few people asked (this isn’t saying it was your fault, it is easy to assume that someone would continue to practice the faith they had for so long).

I think this blogger sums up my reluctance to expose myself quite well: “I never have abandoned morality, just as I still can not find the strength to tell any of my family members and friends (at least the Christian ones) the truth – I have become the very thing they pity most. It is not that they will hate me, or get angry. It is rather that they will feel sorry for me and try to counsel me and pray for me and murmur this poison: God is beyond the wisdom and logic of man. They would do the things that I would have done. And so I keep my silence and I go to Church on Sundays and I sing praises to God in the car with my mother and I pray at family gatherings like a good Christian would. Except that I’m not.

There it is: the truth. I’m tired of lying. I no longer consider myself a Christian and I don’t foresee that changing. I hope that I don’t lose your friendship but, in the end, that is your decision.

[ETA: this was written a month or two ago. I decided to post it because it doesn’t really matter anymore. It was going to come out eventually and I hate pretending.]

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Confession

  1. Nadine says:

    Thanks for posting this, Katie. I really like you. And your honesty. (And fully intend on hanging out with you soon!)

  2. Vixxen says:

    I doubt this comment will mean much, but I really respect your courage =) I love you tonnes and I always will. *Hugs*

  3. Patrick? says:

    Very nice Katie, you should know to anyone who really thinks of you as a friend. This really wouldn't matter. Religion aside you are a decent person and master of all things balls and cuppish. (p.s. welcome to the club) lol

  4. Katie V. says:

    Thanks for the comments. Patrick, you are right. I should have more faith in the people I call friends. I'm lucky to have all of you in my life. Nadine: definite hang-outage happening soon. What are you up to next weekend?

  5. Beth says:

    i pretty much agree with nadine… this doesn't affect my plans to make you one of my toronto friends. i definitely don't pity you at all. and i hope we get to have good conversations in person sometime SOON!!! (including, but not limited to this one)

  6. Nadine says:

    I think I have most of next Saturday free ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Frank says:

    Who can tell us what one person should be compared to another? Life is about changes Katie and you are growing in your own way. You should be proud of who you are and your accomplishments because you are definitely someone to be looked up to.I hope all goes well in the future and I'm glad you decided to come out and say this. ๐Ÿ™‚ Have a wonderful evening!

  8. T Plug says:

    George Santayana, in The Philanthropist writes (in the voice of Socrates) "You say, do you not, that I am no philanthropist, because a philanthropist should love men as they are, whereas I, falsely calling myself a lover of men, love only my notion of what men should be?" He then goes on to show that a true friend wants the best for her/his friends, and does not simply accept what he sees as a flaw. This is the true spirit in which a Christian accepts a person but not certain aspects of their lifestyle, their sins, their choices.Peace

  9. Nate says:

    Yo Katie,I still think you're super cool. I know some people may act weird or whatever, but I will be happy to be your friend. I am a Christian. Do I wish that the entire population of the world believed as I do? Definitely! Doesn't everyone? You mentioned a couple of points about what many Christians say or do, and I completely agree. Christians should do as Jesus did, love people unconditionally! Not 'love the person, hate their actions', just love the person! Of course Jesus/God hates sin, but he loves the person no matter what sin they have committed. I'm not going to hijack your post by trying to convince you that you are wrong, but know that not all Christians are so short sighted.You cannot stop Christians, who do care about you, to shrug off your decision though. It would be disingenuous for a Christian to say that your announcement doesn't matter to them, or that they don't feel sad or disappointed. If they don't have those feelings, then they really don't care about you or their faith. I won't try to counsel you (outside of this comment ;), but I will be praying for you. Not because I feel sorry for you or that I think you are a wicked person, but because I care about you and I believe my faith. PS Happy moving day! Hopefully you have this moving thing down to a science and you don't dread it as much as I do.

  10. Jacquie says:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  11. Anonymous says:

    I strongly believe that religion is not required for morality. Religion is a human creation that imposes one person's or group's ideas/standards on others. There is so much relief in agnosticism/atheism. We are born with an innate sense of morality. If we are strong, we can expand upon that throughout life without pretending to believe in cloud beings or whatever. We can do it without all the religious trappings. In doing so, we voluntarily encourage simplicity in our lives. Wonderful!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: